I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
No regrets in 2018
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older