#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
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I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.