In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
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If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
my proudest tweet
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️