*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.