Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
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Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait