Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.