obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Whoa 😂
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed