Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
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Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
this has done me in for some reason
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.