Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”