I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.