me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.