Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
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I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Bringing home a sharpie
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?