Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
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Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat