My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?