started wrapping my pills in cheese
You Might Also Like
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My safe word is Worcestershire
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.