Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.