Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
c’mon!
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.