My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Expect the unexporcupine.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I need better friends
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.