babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
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turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.