[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this