Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself