X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
In space, no one can hear…
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.