Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
This pepper has seen some shit
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy