Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
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Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic