my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.