*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*