If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
This is a bad sign
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.