ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
A friend sent me this.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?