Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
This is the one
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.