Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.