acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
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Sorry I made promises on Friday
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.