Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.