My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.