He’s dead
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Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob