During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”