MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
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[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
🛁
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.