[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Poetry is my passion
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”