“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading