Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
You Might Also Like
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now