One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.