You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Planet of the Apps.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”