Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.