”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
when you don’t want to be too vague
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?