The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
You Might Also Like
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
God, I love Scotland
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall