My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
kids play hide and seek like
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.