I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I put the h in mysterious.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school