reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Wise advice
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!