2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*