Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
This is what makes twitter great
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.