I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
You Might Also Like
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
guys I’m going home
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.